Steven Wright Jokes

Steven Wright is an American comedian, whose basic style is to deliver jokes in a deadpan manner. I'm not sure which of these are really his, but they sound like he probably told them.

I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

What's another word for Thesaurus?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it...

I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was all right. I was still inside.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy.

I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park?

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I took a baby shower.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

How young can you die of old age?

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

What do batteries run on?