Fulldeckisms, Part 4

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't count his fingers and get the same answer twice.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first
to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Dense as a London fog.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Fulldeckisms, Part 3

Been a while since I posted anything here. 



As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.



As bent as a corkscrew.

As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

As focused as a fart.

As happy as if he had brains.

As happy as the village idiot.

As much use as a back pocket in a vest.  (Very English.)

As much use as a lead parachute.

As quick as a corpse.

As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /wet sponge / bowl of Jello /

   mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.  -- Foghorn Leghorn

As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.

As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.

As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.

As thick as champ.  (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)

As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

Attic's a little dusty.

Back burners not fully operating.

Bad spot on the disk.

Baler done run out of twine.

Bandwidth limited.

Barney's his hero.

Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.

Bats in the belfry.

Batteries not included.

Been napping in front of the ion shield again.

Been playing with his wand too much.

Been playing with the pharmacy section again.

Been short on oxygen one time too many.

Been using her head as a mass driver.

Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.

Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.

Blown/leaking head gasket.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.

Born ugly and built to last.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.

Brain is running on empty.

Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.

Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.

Brain transplant donor.

Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.

Brings binoculars to submarine races.

Broadcasts static.

Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.

Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

Fulldeckisms, Part 2

A lap behind the field.

A little light in his loafers.

A looney tune.

A medical mystery.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost.

A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.

A mind like wet tennis shoes...  Makes squishy noises when running.

A modest little person, with much to be modest about.  -- Churchill

A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.

A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.

A notch off the timing mark.

A one-bit brain with a parity error.

A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

A quart low.

A return with no gosub.

A room temperature IQ.

A semitone flat on the high notes.

A square with only three sides.

A steering wheel / few bolts short of a Yugo.

A teapot with a cracked lid.

A titanic intellect...  In a world full of icebergs.

A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.

A VGA card and a Herc monitor.

A victim of retroactive birth control.

A violin minus the bow.

A walking argument for birth control.

A wind-up clock without a key.

About half smart.

Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.

Airhead / bubble-brain.

Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.

All booster, no payload.

All crown, no filling.

All foam, no beer.

All hammer, no nail.

All hat and no cattle.

All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.

All his eggs in the same basket.

All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.

All icing, no cake.

All lime and salt, no tequila.

All missile, no warhead.

All of his bytes are odd.

All shot, no powder.

All the lights don't shine in her marquee.

All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /

        caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.

All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.

All wax and no wick.

Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.

Always needs to have jokes explained.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

An alligator.  (All mouth, no ears.)

An Apple //e on UUCP.

An early example of the Peter Principle.

An ego like a black hole.

An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years

        with walnut sized brains.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.

An inch short and a stroke early.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Ano-fossal ambiguity.  (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)

Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.

Answers the door when the phone rings.

Any slower and he'd be in reverse.  -- Gignac

22 Fictional Characters Whose Real Names You Don't Know

From:
http://blogs.static.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/57704.html

You know the characters, but you might not know their full names. Store these away for future trivia nights.

1. Did you know the Comic Book Guy on The Simpsons has a name? It’s Jeff Albertson. But that wasn’t the decision of creator Matt Groening. “I was out of the room when [the writers] named him,” he told MTV in 2007. “In my mind, ‘Louis Lane’ was his name, and he was obsessed and tormented by Lois Lane.”

2. Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. (Ken’s last name is Carson.)

3. Cap’n Crunch’s full name is Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch

4. Snuffleupagus has a first name—Aloysius.

5. In the Peanuts comic strip, Peppermint Patty’s real name is Patricia Reichardt.

6. The Wizard of Oz rolls off the tongue a lot easier than his full name, Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkel Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs. From Frank Baum’s Dorothy And the Wizard in Oz:
“It was a dreadfully long name to weigh down a poor innocent child, and one of the hardest lessons I ever learned was to remember my own name. When I grew up I just called myself O.Z., because the other initials were P-I-N-H-E-A-D; and that spelled ‘pinhead,’ which was a reflection on my intelligence.”

7. Mr. Clean has a seldom-used first name—”Veritably.” The name came from a “Give Mr. Clean a First Name” promotion in 1962.

8. In a deleted scene in the 2006 Curious George movie, The Man With the Yellow Hat’s name was revealed as Ted Shackleford. (Since the scene was deleted, perhaps this doesn’t count.)

9. The real name of Monopoly mascot Rich Uncle Pennybags is Milburn Pennybags.

10. The policeman in Monopoly has a name, too. You can thank Officer Edgar Mallory the next time he sends you to jail.

11. On Night Court, Nostradamus Shannon was better known as Bull.

12. On Entourage, Turtle’s real name is Salvatore Assante.

13. Sesame Street’s resident game show host Guy Smiley was using a pseudonym all these years. He was born Bernie Liederkrantz.

14. The Michelin Man’s name is Bibendum.

15. On Gilligan’s Island, Jonas Grumby was simply called The Skipper.

16. Staying on Gilligan’s Island, The Professor was Roy Hinkley.

17. The unkempt Shaggy of Scooby-Doo fame has a rather proper real name—Norville Rogers.

18. The Pillsbury Doughboy’s name is Poppin’ Fresh. He has a wife, Poppie Fresh, and two kids, Popper and Bun Bun.

19. The patient in the classic game Operation is Cavity Sam.

20. The true identity of The Lone Ranger was John Reid.

21 & 22. OK, these last two aren’t fictional, but just in case it comes up, Bono was born Paul David Hewson, and The Edge’s name is David Howell Evans.

Bumper Stickers

BUMPER STICKERS

Clones are people two.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!

A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

My reality check just bounced.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!

A SURVIVAL KIT FOR EVERY DAY LIVING:


Items Needed: Toothpick, Rubber Band, Band Aid, Pencil, Eraser, Chewing Gum,
Mint, Candy Kiss, and Tea Bag. Why???

1) TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others.

2) RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible, things might not always go
the way you want, but it will work out.

3) BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.

4) PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday.

5) ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and its OK.

6) CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish
anything.

7) MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint.

8) CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday.

9) TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and reflect on all the positive
things in your life.

Fulldeckisms, Part 1

A Fulldeckism, from what I understand is an insult about one's intelligence or
sanity, and is taken from the figure of speech, "not dealing with a full deck".
There's a whole alphabetical list of them, and the Word file in which
I saved it spans around 15 pages, so I'll be breaking this up into several posts,
which I will space over the next few weeks or months. Enjoy.

"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."

A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.

A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

A 20th century man... The guy has no future.

A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.

A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.

A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.

A couple of slates short of a full roof.

A couplet short of a sonnet.

A cup and saucer short of a place setting.

A day late and a dollar short.

A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.

A doughnut short of being a cop.

A few beads short in her rosary.

A few beans short of chili.

A few birds shy of a flock.

A few blocks short of a filesystem.

A few bombs/melons short of a full load.

A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.

A few chips short of a cookie.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few clues shy of a solution.

A few cold solder joints.

A few ears short of a bushel.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.

A few fish short of a string.

A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

A few guppies short of an aquarium.

A few inches short of a foot/yard.

A few kernels short of an ear.

A few kopeks short of a ruble.

A few links shy of a chain.

A few measures short of a staff.

A few open splices.

A few peas short of a pod/casserole.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pies short of a holiday.

A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.

A few points short of a polygon.

A few revisions behind.

A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.

A few screws loose.

A few shrimps short of a barbie.

A few spoons short of a full set.

A few straws shy of a bale.

A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.

A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.

A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.

A few volts below threshold.

A few yards short of the hole.

A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and...  What was the question?

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to

                give up chewing gum.

A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.

A lap behind the field.

A little light in his loafers.

A looney tune.

A medical mystery.

A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost.